Dear Santa
by INeedCoffeeArghhh
Summary: Christmas isn't usually the best time of year when you're the son of Satan... (Festive Dip one-shot!)


**A/N: I wrote this in May. Please show your love for the fact I've waited 7 months to upload this!**

**Merry Christmas! Here's a Dip Christmas story as is tradition.**

* * *

_Dear Santa,_

_I have been a very good boy this year. My killing level is at an all-time low. It would have averaged as less than one person a day if that One Direction concert hadn't been too loud. I have learnt to think before I set people on fire, mainly of the reasons why they deserve to be set on fire. I try and think of reasons to save their lives but they're not good enough. _

_I know you haven't delivered presents any other year but as you can see, I've changed._

_I'm not the Antichrist I used to be._

_I would really love a remote-controlled helicopter - the one that's always advertised on the TV! Those kids look so happy playing with it._

_I want to be happy too._

_Damien _

_P.S. I admit I killed some girl scouts, but you could see that it was clearly in self-defence. _

_P.P.S I've seen some humans put X's on their letters. I don't know what this is for, to me it seems like quite a destructive letter, but have some anyway. _

x_xX__**x**_**X**

* * *

Damien sighed as he held his stocking... his empty stocking. He turned it upside and shook it, just in the hope that maybe his presents were really small, maybe some Lego figures or something. He'd have loved and cherished anything... But no.

What had he expected? Santa would wish good tidings on the Antichrist when it was Jesus' birthday? He was destined to take over the Earth and be destroyed by Jesus, not go to his birthday party and eat angel cake. He shook his head and felt a tear roll down his eye. No, of course not. He'd been naughty and forever would be naughty. He was just thankful Santa hadn't left coal again. Because what was the use of coal in Hell?

He wiped his eyes with a scowl set on his face and climbed out of bed. It was still extremely early in the morning, barely past four, but he couldn't allow himself to just lie there and cry. He needed to go somewhere... see someone. His memory fell to a British blond boy - Pip - in the town of South Park, a town he hadn't left all that long ago. Pip seemed like he would be civil enough when woken up...

Minutes later Damien was in his desired destination, on top of the boy and waking him up almost like he was mugging him. The nicest way to wake up right? He laughed as Pip gasped into his hand, and grinned in the Brit's face to muffle his screams.

"Shhh, Pip," he whispered. "I won't hurt you." But sure, it may have looked that way... Damien breaking in through the boy's window and waking him with a hand shoved over his mouth. Damien took away his hand when Pip nodded and stared in fear with wide, blue eyes.

"Damien," he whispered. "What are you doing here?"

"I'm here to see you, stupid mortal."

"It's four in the morning! Christmas Day!"

"Oh yeah... Merry Christmas!" Damien grinned brightly.

"...Merry Christmas to you too. Why are you here?" Pip glanced around as if searching for other signs of danger. "Please don't hurt me again. I can't pretend any longer that I enjoyed being blown up."

"Oh that." Damien shrugged. "It wasn't personal."

"Well it hurt _me_," whisper-shouted Pip. "So please, I beg you, leave now."

Damien laughed callously. "No." He looked around Pip's room. "This is nice." Noticing a present at the bottom of Pip's bed, he pointed. "Is that the one from Santa?"

Pip's eyes opened wide and he looked over in excitement, now fully waking up and realising Santa must have been. "Yes!" He crawled down the bed to look at the wrapped box more closely, forgetting his previous concerns about the Antichrist being in his room.

"Awesome." Damien crawled over too and looked at it with Pip. "You get any more?"

"They'll be under the tree."

Damien pulled on Pip's arm. "So are you going to open them, huh? Well? What are you waiting for?" He smiled. "I want to see!"

Pip bit his lip. "Well, gosh, Damien. I usually open my presents with my family when we've all woken up... you know... together."

Damien sighed. "Right, I get it." He rubbed his eyes slightly. "Once again my knowledge fails me. I don't see my dad at all. He spends the day sulking. I don't even get why; it's Jesus' day, if anything_ I_ should be doing the sulking. And if he isn't sulking then he's with the other adults singing... or his boyfriend. I'm not sure what he's called."

Pip watched closely as Damien continued rubbing his eyes. "Damien, are you cry-"

"Finish that question and I'll set fire to you!" Damien snapped, turning away and scowling.

Pip watched as a tear rolled down the side of his face. He felt a pain inside him to see anyone upset, even if it was the son of Satan who burst him into flames. He reached out and cautiously picked up the present. "I guess I can open the one from Santa... I still have the ones from my family which I'll open with them."

Damien turned and grinned. "Yay." He wiped the few tears away hastily.

Pip found it odd how the Antichrist could take so much pleasure in watching someone else open a present, when he wasn't getting anything himself. He kneeled in front of the box and started tearing slowly at the paper.

Damien yanked it out of his hands. "What the Hell are you doing!?"

Pip jumped in shock. "Damien, please try and be quiet. My family is sleeping." He put a hand to his head. "I thought you _wanted_ me to open my present?"

"Not by ripping the paper," whispered Damien with an accusatory glare. "How thoughtless to Santa's elves."

Pip sighed and stretched out his hands for the present. "Okay, I promise." When he got it back, he very slowly peeled the tape off, opening the paper out and then rolling the box away. Damien nodded in satisfaction and folded the paper neatly, then they both looked at the present.

Damien fell silent and his face dropped to an unreadable dead-pan. "Ah, right. Cool helicopter, Pip... just... lovely."

Pip grinned and held the box in front of his face to see the picture. "Just what I wanted! Oh! Thanks Santa!" When he brought the box down again, after reading the writing, he saw that Damien was crying - this time with full, proper tears.

"Damien, what's wrong?"

"Nothing," choked Damien. "Why w-would anything be wrong, puny m-mortal?"

Pip frowned. "Well, you are crying..."

"You think I'm crying? No." Damien wiped his eyes as more tears came out. "This is what happens to demons, w-we w-weep liquid sometimes..." He glared. "It's poisonous and you're... going to die soon." He sighed.

Pip motioned to the box. "Is this what _you_ wanted for Christmas?"

Damien pouted. "No... Yes." He started crying again. "Santa hates me! Everybody hates me! I try to be good but no one cares. I once went a week without setting anyone on fire! A whole week! And for what? Absolutely nothing."

Pip hesitantly moved towards Damien. "Please don't cry." He bit his lip.

"I told you I'm not crying!" Damien yelled weakly.

Pip nodded. "I know, old chap! Why don't you borrow this for a while!" He handed Damien his brand new toy. "Be the first to have a go with it."

Damien shook his head. "Take an orphan's toy away from him on Christmas? That's low even for the Antichrist!"

"No, Damien, I insist. I want you to."

Damien looked wide-eyed at Pip. "You're letting me play with your toys _by your choice?_ I'm not stealing it or threatening you in any way? You _want_ me to play with it?"

Pip smiled. "Yes, I just want to make you happy. Why, everyone deserves to be happy on Christmas!"

Damien grinned down at the box and then grinned at Pip. His eyes were flickering a bright red and his teeth were shockingly white. He stared at Pip for a few seconds and then tilted his head. "How do humans show friendship? I want to thank you and make you my friend."

Pip blinked a few times in the shock of what he'd heard. "You want to be _my_ friend? I thought you wanted approval from the others."

"Screw them, I want you," concluded Damien. "How do I show friendship? I know setting you on fire, maiming or killing you is wrong. You don't want me to kill anything else?"

Pip shook his head quickly. "Oh no."

"So... what?"

"Well, you don't need to do anything really. Some friends pat each other on the back or slap their hands together - it's called a high-five - sometimes people also hug to show affection."

Damien grinned and put the box down. "I've heard of hugs." He jumped forward and wrapped his arms around Pip, squeezing him tightly. "I think I'm supposed to squeeze all the air out of you. Every mortal I've seen do it has failed and given up quickly."

Pip gasped and patted Damien's back. "No! Damien... please!" He wheezed. "Help!"

Damien pulled away. "You don't like it?"

Pip coughed. "Y-You're not supposed to choke me. It's meant to be gentle." He leant forward and wrapped his arms around Damien softly. "Like this."

Damien sighed. "Okay, we'll do it the boring way." He lightly put his arms around Pip and hugged back. "Thank you, _friend_."

Pip blushed. "You're welcome!"

Damien stood up and held the box close and safe. "I should go now. Your family will be waking soon and I've got to get back to my dad..." He sighed. "Bye, Pip." And with that, he disappeared.

* * *

Pip lay on his bed and held a hand to his stomach. Now _that_ was a good meal. He didn't realise how much he could put away when he got the chance, it almost shamed Cartman. He chuckled and closed his eyes, feeling full, satisfied and sleepy after a wonderful day playing games and laughing with his family.

He jumped when he heard a tapping at his window.

Turning his head he saw Damien's grinning face. It shocked him to no end. He'd never ever expected for Damien to come back. He'd already concluded he'd lost that certain toy, and while he was a little upset about it, he was happy he'd made Damien smile. He pulled open the glass and jumped back as a small, metal and plastic helicopter flew into his room, guided by the controller in Damien's hands.

"Hello, mortal!" Damien grinned and landed the plane softly on Pip's bedside table, proud in his achievements. He threw the box he had balanced under his arm into the room and then hopped through the window himself. "Have you ever noticed how the Santa at the mall really hates having his beard burnt off?"

Pip frowned. "I-uh-"

Damien set the controller down then pounced forward, strangling Pip in another hug, already moving to the next question. "Did you have a nice day?"

"Yes," Pip squeaked. "Thank you." He hugged Damien back until the boy let go, which he noticed took quite some time. Damien was so warm that Pip didn't mind.

"I'm glad to hear that. So did I because I got to play with your helicopter. I was _really_ careful. I promise. And I've put some batteries in it that I guarantee will never run out!" Damien grinned.

"How?"

"Because they're magic, Pip."

"Gosh." Pip smiled. "That's exciting."

"Yes." Damien sighed and looked at the toy again. "It's been an exciting day." He looked back at Pip. "What else did you get?"

"Oh gosh. Well, some toy racing cars for my track, books, socks... something that turns the bath green... the usual stuff." He smiled.

Damien nodded energetically. "Yeah. That's great."

"... Did you get anything?"

Damien shook his head and sighed again. "No. Father spent the day with his_ boyfriend_ like he usually does." Damien spat the words like they were bile. "And then he drank a lot of punch. He never has _any_ time for me... but that didn't matter this year because I have you."

"Yeah?" Pip blushed. "You know, Damien... if you want... you can _keep_ the helicopter."

Damien gasped. "Don't make such a silly suggestion, stupid mortal."

"I would get more pleasure from it just knowing how much _you_ loved it."

Damien shook his head. "No... I... couldn't."

"Oh."

He frowned and then slowly grinned again. "I tell you what, why don't I leave it here with you to keep it safe? Then anytime I want to play with it, you'll have to let me in."

Pip smiled. "I'd let you in anyway, Damien. You're my friend."

"Yes, but this can be something we only play with _together_. It's _our_ thing."

"I like the sound of that."

"And _I _like the sound of your voice." Damien hugged Pip again. "You're my favourite mortal ever." He pulled away, but kept his hands on Pip's arms. "Do you notice how humans kiss around Christmas? Under the mistletoe?" Damien frowned. "Why do they do that?"

Pip smiled. "I think to show love."

"Oh." Damien sighed. "I can't love."

Pip shook his head. "You're wrong. You have a lot of love to give. You've shown that today."

"Great!" Damien grinned and leant forward. "Let's kiss!"

Pip pulled his head back and looked panicked. "It's not that simple, Damien! Eight year old boys don't just kiss each other! It's not... normal."

Damien ignored the Brit's words and pecked Pip's cheek with his lips. He grabbed Pip's face in his hands and turned his cheek to kiss the other one, then pushed him away.

"There! That was fun. It was almost like I was going to bite your face but I didn't. Would you like a sleepover? Let's have a sleepover." Damien crawled under the covers. "I don't really care if you say no. I'm not leaving."

"...I'm not saying no." Pip blinked from the shock of the kissing and got under the covers as well. "I have a friend."

"Yeah. You also have a big nose." Damien laughed and moved closer to Pip, wrapping an arm around him.

Pip flinched. "...What are you doing?"

"Uh - protecting you from evil spirits and demons, you know? Like, what would you do if the Antichrist came into your room?" Damien giggled. "You'd have no defence."

"No, I'd probably end up giving him a helicopter and letting him in my bed." Pip pushed Damien's arms off him. "At least move over a bit. You have plenty of room without coming on my side."

Damien pouted and moved back. "It's cold." He clung onto Pip's pyjama shirt and closed his eyes, slowly moving his arm back to where it was before. "You have no say in this, mortal... mortal friend. I love you. Shut up. Goodnight."

"...Night, Damien... and Merry Christmas." Pip grinned and closed his eyes too.

* * *

_Dear Santa,_

_You may find it odd that I'm writing you a thank you letter, since you didn't bring me anything. I'm just telling you that I DON'T CARE!_

_I do want to thank you. In denying me any toys, you helped me find a friend. Pip is wonderful. Pip is perfect. Pip will be my friend forever._

_Damien_

_P.S. Pip told me what those X's meant and you're not getting any! They're all for him! Ha. _

_Stupid immortal._

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**A/N: I really hope that this brought a smile to your face and that you have a wonderful Christmas. If you want more Dip!Christmas then I wrote another last year called 'A Purrfect Christmas' and you can head on over and check that out because... cats and stuff. **


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